Gun-Free Zone Sign Prevents Dangerous Armed Robbery – Oh, Wait, No It Didn’t

People enjoying some hot wings the other day in Colorado Springs, CO got a front row seat to proof of the efficaciousness of a virtue-signaling gun-banning sign. Buffalo Wild Wings is a gun-free zone. It says so right on the sign on the front door in big, bold letters: “Buffalo Wild Wings, Inc Bans Guns on These Premises.”

The sign is highly effective 99.9% of the time. Just hope that you’re not there and unarmed for the 0.1% of the time when the place gets robbed, like it did the other day.

Two robbers, one with an “assault” rifle and one with a pistol, stormed into the restaurant and walked right past the sign that clearly bans guns.

Imagine how embarrassed they would have been if they had seen the sign! They probably would have turned right around. Maybe they couldn’t read, which led to their life of crime.

For the record, I despise that “assault” rifle label. But unfortunately – and I have to be totally honest about this – my campaign to get America’s television news anchors to refer to AR-15s as “bunny extermination devices” hasn’t been going very well. It’s an uphill battle.

The guy with the “assault” rifle didn’t even have to point it at anyone at Buffalo Wild Wings. He just held it and yelled at everyone to get back and stay down. To which they got back and stayed down, being civilized folks who had obeyed the sign on the front door banning guns.

The guy with the pistol was a bit more zealous with his crowd control measures, however. He pistol-whipped one person with his banned pistol, then grabbed the hostess in a choke-hold and held his banned pistol against her head until the register was emptied.

One of the civilized customers got down on the ground and crawled out the back door in a dignified manner, and then called the police. “They showed up in like 10 seconds,” she said. However, despite the rapid police response, the thieves got clean away with the cash.

It’s a good thing that no one was hurt! Well, except for the hostess who was choked and the person who got pistol-whipped and needed to go to the hospital.

The really good news is that Buffalo Wild Wings’ sign banning guns was almost totally effective. Aside from those two bad apples that robbed the place with guns, no one else in the restaurant had a gun! Compliance!

What would happen if you defied the policy and open-carried at Buffalo Wild Wings? Would they kick you out, or would they be too afraid to do it? We’ll probably never know since most gun owners treat stores with “Gun-Free Zone” signs as “My Money-Free” zones.

For example, being a dissident writer – sort of like Hemingway but without the communism, drunkenness or talent – I used to go to that one coffee shop all the time. You know, the one with the free Wi-Fi and terrible burnt coffee? Back in the good old days, the clerk would always look at me like an alien with three heads when I’d ask if they had any plain Folgers.

“How about an Americano?” he’d ask.

“That have soy in it?”

“What?! No… well, maybe a little bit.”

“I want mine with no soy,” I’d say.

“Fine,” he’d say, rolling his eyes. “Nice MAGA hat, fascist.”

“I’m also carrying nine concealed firearms and I don’t have a permit for any of ‘em.”

“Eek! Really?!”

“No, I’m just kidding,” I’d say, totally lying to him.

Good times.

Did you know “Barista” is a French or Italian word that means “guy with a Gender Studies degree who can’t get a real job?”

But then one day the coffee shops all put up “Gun-Free Zone” signs, so I quit going. Resorting to a Thermos filled with Folgers has saved me a bundle anyway.

Last I heard, the coffee shops have now adopted a policy wherein gun owners are not allowed, but homeless folks are welcome to come in and use the bathrooms to shoot up heroin or take a bath in the sink.

Apparently, the slippery slope leads from anti-gun to pro-hobo in short order. Or maybe they’re just opposite sides of the same coin. If I ever open a restaurant, I’ll call it “Chicken Wings, Straight-up Coffee and Hot Lead.”

Y’all are welcome to stop by.